Why Can’t I Say No?

December 20, 2024

Are You a Yes-Person? Here’s Why Tightening Your Boundaries Matters

Do you often wonder “why can’t I say no?” Do you find yourself saying, “Yes, no problem!” to every request, even when you’re already stretched? Does saying “no” feel excruciating? If this sounds like you, it might be time to rethink your boundaries.

The Struggle to Say No

For many of us, the thought of turning someone down feels unbearable. We worry about disappointing others, being seen as unkind, or even damaging our relationships. Questions like, Am I a bad friend, parent, sibling, or colleague if I don’t say yes? can plague our minds. But the reality is: constantly saying yes isn’t always the act of kindness we think it is – to others or ourselves.

The Cost of Overcommitment

When you agree to every request, you’re likely to end up overwhelmed, resentful, and burnt out. You might even catch yourself silently resenting the very people you’re trying to help. That internal conflict – wanting to be there for others but feeling overburdened – can leave you frustrated and drained. It’s worth asking: Would they want my help if they knew I was struggling to keep up?

Research shows that consistently overcommittingcan harm your mental health. Studies on boundaries and well-being indicate that people who maintain clear limits experience less stress, better relationships, and greater life satisfaction. By always saying yes, you may unintentionally put yourself in a “one-down” position, where you prioritise others’ needs at the expense of your own.

Why Saying No Can Be a Good Thing

Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish or unkind; it’s about being honest. When you’re clear about what you can and can’t do, you’re not just protecting your time and energy – you’re also fostering healthier relationships. People appreciate authenticity, and your willingness to say no can actually build trust. It shows that when you do say yes, you genuinely mean it.

Think about it: Would you rather have someone’s reluctant, half-hearted help or their enthusiastic support when they truly have the capacity to give? Saying no can also inspire others to respect their own limits and prioritise self-care.

How to Start Tightening Your Boundaries

Pause Before You Answer: When someone asks for your help, take a moment to evaluate your capacity, excuse yourself and go to loo if you have to. Do you have the time and energy to assist without compromising your own well-being?
Get Comfortable with No: Practice polite but firm ways to decline. For example, “I’d love to help, but I can’t commit right now” or “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ll have to pass this time.”
Reframe Your Perspective: Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a realistic one. Remind yourself that declining a request doesn’t erase all the good you’ve done for someone.
Set Clear Priorities: Reflect on what matters most to you. Align your commitments with those priorities and let them guide your decisions.
Communicate Proactively: If you’re frequently approached for help, be upfront about your boundaries. For example, “I’m happy to help with X, but I’ll need advance notice for Y” or “I can’t handle additional projects this month.”

The Ripple Effect of Healthy Boundaries

When you establish and maintain boundaries, you’re not just improving your own life – you’re setting a positive example for those around you. Boundaries create space for mutual respect, clearer communication, and more meaningful connections. And guess what? The people who truly care about you will appreciate your honesty and value your time even more.

So, next time you are wondering “why can’t I say no?” and you’re tempted to default to “yes,” ask yourself: Am I saying this because I want to or because I feel like I have to? By learning to say no, you’re saying yes to something much more important: your own well-being.

Get Help

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Dear December: Why Are You So Stressful?
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